Aesop's Jacked Fables

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The Humvee and Its Rider

A HUMVEE DRIVER took the utmost pains with his vehicle. As long as the war lasted, he looked upon it as his fellow-helper in all emergencies and fed it carefully with gas and oil. But during peacetime, he drove drunk at high speeds through rough terrain, crushing random people and objects and subjecting it to much slavish drudgery and ill-treatment.

War was finally re-proclaimed, however, and the radio summoned him to his post. When the Soldier hopped into his Hummer, it fell apart straightway under the weight, no longer equal to the burden. The Hummer said to its master, "You must now go to the war on foot, for you have transformed me from an oversized Jeep into a pile of empty beer cans and shit. I hope you're captured and tortured you fuck."

The Horse and His Rider (original fable)

A HORSE SOLDIER took the utmost pains with his charger. As long as the war lasted, he looked upon him as his fellow-helper in all emergencies and fed him carefully with hay and corn. But when the war was over, he only allowed him chaff to eat and made him carry heavy loads of wood, subjecting him to much slavish drudgery and ill-treatment. War was again proclaimed, however, and when the trumpet summoned him to his standard, the Soldier put on his charger its military trappings, and mounted, being clad in his heavy coat of mail. The Horse fell down straightway under the weight, no longer equal to the burden, and said to his master, "You must now go to the war on foot, for you have transformed me from a Horse into an Ass; and how can you expect that I can again turn in a moment from an Ass to a Horse?"

View the orginal fable View the jacked fable Perry #320
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